Lou The Contractor calls someone at the Army Corps Of Engineers

4-17-03 “Lou The Contractor  (“LOU”) calls someone at the Army Corps Of Engineers (“A”)”©  by Nat Christian

“A”  picks up the telephone.  LOU is on the other end…
LOU:  I heard you needed a contractor.
A:    No, who told you that?
LOU:  I don’t know.   I heard.
A:    Nope, don’t need anyone.
LOU:  What about Iraq?
A:    Yes?
LOU:  I heard it’s gonna cost over 100 billion dollars to rebuild it.  I’d like to put in a bid.
A:   Oh, I’m sorry…
LOU:  I can do it for less.  Let me come over and give you an estimate.
A:  We’re not taking any estimates.  I mean any more estimates.
LOU:  There’s no charge for that.
A:  Submit a bid in writing.
LOU:  I can beat any price.
A:   I don’t think so…
LOU:  I got my guys working for me, see.   I got workers who will do all of the tearing down…
A:   We pretty much took care of that.
LOU:   I got carpenters, plumbers, electricians, dry wallers, painters…
A:   Look pal, we pretty much have our minds made up.
LOU:  Let me just come over and take a look.  You got termites?
A:   No, I don’t believe there are any termites.
LOU:   You might have termites.
A:  Nope
LOU:  You mean in the whole country of Iraq, you don’t have any termites?
A:  No.
LOU:  Not a single one?
A:  Termites are not a main concern!  We have to get the oil wells up and pumping!
LOU:   Why?
A:    Is this a trick question?
LOU:   Okay.  Then what?
A:  Then what, what?
LOU:  After you get the oil up and running.  Then what?
A:  Then nothing.  Oh, yes, we have to rebuild roads and buildings and all of that other crap.
LOU:  I got my guys.
A:  It’s under control
LOU:  But, there’s a lot of work there.   By the way, why did you destroy it in the first place?
A:  Because we had to rid that evil one of his weapons of mass destruction.
LOU:  Couldn’t you have done all of this without blowing up everything?  I saw it all on CNN –  I        never seen anything like it.
A:  My family and I didn’t miss an episode.
LOU:  Yeah, in my house, it was between the “Bachelor” and “Attack on Iraq.”
A:  Bet you didn’t think we were going to pull it off.
LOU:  Oh, man, thousands of cluster bombs and bunker busters raining down?  Are you kiddin’ me?  What was the final score?
A:  Something like 5000 to 100.  But a lot of ours were due to unforced errors.
LOU:  So?  Couldn’t we have just gotten the main guys, without bombing the hell out of them?
A:  Our intelligence sources knew he had the weapons of mass destruction.
LOU:  So then they must have known where the evil one was, where the weapons were,  and could have just done away with him, a few of his cronies, and the weapons, right?
A:  I said “intelligent sources.”  I didn’t say that they were very intelligent sources.
LOU:  Mission accomplished?
A:  You darn tootin’.
LOU:  Where were they?  The weapons.
A:  I don’t know, but even if they’re not there, we sure stopped him.
LOU:  What if he moved them.  Now they would be in even more dangerous hands, right?
A:  I don’t follow.
LOU:  Before, you knew that the weapons were in the hands of a ruthless dictator, but nevertheless,
you had him contained.  You KNEW they were there, right?
A:  I’m listening.
LOU:  Well, NOW, if he moved them and he’s out of power, anyone might have access to these
chemical weapons.  Angry terrorists, madmen.  How will you contain them now?
A:  Darn.
LOU:  Didn’t the “intelligence” sources think of this scenario when they were being intelligent?
A:  Hey, they’re pretty intelligent.  If they didn’t think of this scenario, then there must not be any
weapons…  You got me all confused!
LOU:  I see.  Well, there’s a lot of work to be done.  A lot.
A:  That’s what war does.  It kills and destroys.
LOU:  It’s not going to be cheap.
A:  I have to go now.  Submit a bid in writing.
LOU:  They were a real threat, weren’t they?
A:  That’s right.
LOU:  Wasn’t the Soviet Union a threat a thousand times bigger?  We never went in to fight them.
A:  Well, we weren’t sure we could beat them up.
LOU:  But we still prevailed over the Commies, didn’t we.  They collapsed.
A:  The evil one was pissing us off.
LOU:  That’s what evil ones do.  It’s a classic characteristic.  Ask anyone who knows an evil one.
Ask their mothers, their loved ones.  It’s not easy being around one.  So, it’s a given that it wasn’t going to be easy.
A:  And it just wasn’t fair.
LOU:   What wasn’t?
A:  We worked hard to be the most advanced and most industrialized nation on this planet.  We’re
good, BUT they have the oil!  God damn it!  It’s not fair.
LOU:  I see.
A:  They have soo much.  I just want a little.  It shouldn’t be all theirs.  They have to learn to share!
LOU:  I see.  So…
A:  And we’ve got to remember…  Weapons of Mass Destruction!
LOU:  Couldn’t we have contained the evil regime, and eventually arrange for the regime to topple?
A:  Who has the patience for that?
LOU:  Isn’t years of patience worth it if it prevents 100 of  “our” deaths and a thousand of “theirs.”
Like couldn’t we have waited it out at WACO?
A:  Who’s got that kind of time?  What do you care anyway?  We now have a budget to rebuild.
So, submit your bids, and let the good times role, booby.
LOU:   I’m going there to help re-build no matter what.
A:   Not with our money, you’re not.  Unless you submit your bid and you are approved.
LOU:  My wife was a soldier who went in thinking we were preventing a clear and imminent danger.
A:  You should be proud.
LOU:  I am, but nevertheless… she’s dead.  I could justify it if… if there were justification.  I could
justify it if I lost myself in my drink.   But she is gone.  My life is dead.  For what?
A:   I gotta go.  Submit your bid.
LOU:  I’m going there.  I need to give her death “real” purpose.
A:   You’re sounding “un-patriotic.”  She died for a cause.
LOU:   Speaking is un-patriotic?
A:   The way you are, you’re damn right it is!
LOU:   Expressing a different point of view during a time of “war” is un-patriotic?
A:  Yes.
LOU:   And the First Amendment?
A:  Fuck it!  It doesn’t apply right now.
LOU:  For me, there were two main reasons why this country was so great.  Freedom of speech and
freedom of the press.  We lost the press to the corporations.  So now you’re telling me I can’t express
A:    So long as Homeland Security approves.
LOU:  I thought that the Soviet Union collapsed.
A:   You wise cracking, trouble making freak. The law is on my side!  I now could have you
brought in.
LOU:  Then I shall voice my opinion about the law.
A:    Who are you?
LOU:  I’m a freedom lover.
A:   What is your name?
The end.