On Trent Lott’s remarks 12/11/02
12/11/02 W. TO LOTT ON REMARKS© by Nat Christian
INT. LOTT HOUSE – DEN — DAY
Trent pours himself a drink at the bar. The telephone RINGS. He picks it up.
TRENT
Hello?
INT. WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE — CONTINUOUS
GEORGE W. is on the telephone. (INTERCUT)
GEORGE
Hey Trent, you dumb fuck. How could you make a statement like that?
TRENT
Now, George don’t get weird on me. I’ll talk to your dad.
GEORGE
Hey! I’m my own man!
TRENT
Now you listen to me…
GEORGE
No! You listen to me! I’m about to bomb the shit out of Iraq. I’ll bomb into the elections and I need support, and love! I need black people on my side, because maybe you haven’t been following the news, but they can vote now, you dumb fuck!
TRENT
You want to speak to me that way, George? You want to fuck with me?
GEORGE
Okay, Let’s take a deep breath, but come on… you fucked up and it doesn’t just affect you. I worked hard to get here.
TRENT
We worked hard, George.
GEORGE
Just the other day, Cheney told me that Clinton advised the campaign staff for some female senator, named Landrieu or something like that, to get out the black vote for her. They did and she won. The same kind of black people you just offended. They put this bitch in office somewhere.
TRENT
What can I say, George. I was speaking from the heart. I guess one has to be a politician twenty-four-seven. Sorry! I’ll spin it around.
GEORGE
Trent, this is my great moment. Great presidents have great moments. Like Kennedy, that magic name, Kennedy, during that missile crisis time. Kennedy bluffed the Russians and the Mexicans and became a hero. A legend. Well, I’m going to bluff Saddam and I’m going to come out like Kennedy. Then I’ll bomb the shit out of him. That’ll be for my dad. Yeah, I know, and for the oil. Cheney explained it all to me. But for me personally, for my dad. Hey, maybe I’ll do it for Christmas. Pop will really like that. But this whole thing will be MY legacy. Then I’ll be able to stoop all of the same kind of movie star pussy like Kennedy.
TRENT
Shtup.
GEORGE
Don’t tell me to shut up.
TRENT
No, Shtup. You said stoop. The Jew word is Shtup.
GEORGE
Oh, heh, heh, thanks. They got a word for everything, and I pull one out every once in awhile, and it impresses them, especially the older ones. Sorry about that.
TRENT
It’s okay, George.
GEORGE
Hey, Trent. Why don’t the movie stars like me the way they liked Kennedy? I’m handsome. If you look at me when I get off of the helicopter on the front lawn, I look real handsome and presidential. Better than my dad and… Clinton.
TRENT
Ugh, Clinton.
GEORGE
I’ve even thought about it. I think, if it came right down to it, I think I could take Clinton.
TRENT
I think you can, George.
GEORGE
I think I can. And that dick head had girls coming on to him. He still does. What’s he got that I don’t? What? Charisma? I’ve got charisma. When you get a chance, look at me when I walk from the chopper to the white house. I got it. Maybe people just don’t see it. So, this war thing is going to give me everlasting charisma. Greatness.
TRENT
Yes, George.
GEORGE
So, how could you do that?? I happen to agree with how you feel about Strom, but I don’t blurt it out loud for everyone to report. You’re fucking it up! I didn’t even win the election, yet I’m the best thing that’s happened to the Republican Party. Heh, heh, that says a lot for me, doesn’t it?
TRENT
Uh… yeah,… I guess that was pretty cool how WE pulled that one off.
GEORGE
I’m pretty clever. You know how I got my staff behind me to go after Saddam? When they asked me “Why Saddam when we’re going after Osama?”, I said: “Say Osama Bin Laden real, real fast thirty times.” They did and, heh, heh, they came up with Saddam Hussein. Try it, it works! That was all on my own. Cheney was impressed. I know so, because, well, he told my dad. My dad’s real proud of me. All of his friends are real happy. I, Trent, I am finally giving the right wing what we want. You want to hear something else that I came up with that’s clever? “It’s not policy differences that makes the right wing the right wing. It’s because we’re ‘right.'” You get it? As opposed to “wrong.” Good, huh? I told it to Pat Robertson and he’s going to have someone slip that in a speech sometime soon. I thought maybe you, but now, no way, dude.
TRENT
Oh, too bad.
GEORGE
So don’t you see? If we lose an election because minorities vote, we’ll hand it back to the liberals.
TRENT
No fucking way. When Clinton was in, we got together and said “Things have been pretty fucked up since the 60s, so this is it. We’re going back to the 50s.” And we will.
GEORGE
The good old days. I love the way, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft and Ridge look.
TRENT
You like it too!?
GEORGE
Yeah, like right out of Ozzie and Harriet.
TRENT
Leave it to Beaver.
GEORGE
Oh, man the good old days. I don’t know why the new Leave It To Beaver, that came on a few years ago, didn’t fly. Oh, well.
TRENT
Well, maybe now it will…
GEORGE
You ever see an actor named Randolf Scott in those old war movies on TV? He was so…
TRENT
He was a fag.
GEORGE
Randolf Scott?!! No! Damn! Fuck!
TRENT
You got to give him some credit. No one knew. He kept it to himself.
GEORGE
I suppose so.
TRENT
Hey, George. White was right
GEORGE
Hey, hey, now stop that. Hey… heh, heh… Condi and Powell really think that they can make decisions.
TRENT
Heh, heh, heh, heh…
GEORGE
Heh, heh, heh… Condi says: “I think blah, blah, blah…” and I say “Good, Condi.”
TRENT
Yeah. “I’ll get back to you on that, Condi”
GEORGE
Heh, heh, heh. “I’ll be right with you, Condi.” Hey, Powell, what do you have to say? “Well…” “Right, Colin, I’ll be right with you.”
TRENT
Ha, ha, ha… See? Look who’s talking?
GEORGE
Well, I’m the p r e s i d e n t!
TRENT
It’s good to see you lighten up, George. I was starting to think that you were getting up tight because you haven’t been doing any killing since you left Texas.
GEORGE
Well, I’m going to take care of that real soon.
TRENT
Heh, heh, heh… Hey, I’m going to get Strom on a conference call.
GEORGE
No.
TRENT
Come on, just for a sec. It’ll be fun.
GEORGE
Heh, heh. Well get the Muh’-Fuh’ on.
TRENT
Hold on.
They giggle as Trent dials the number
INT. THURMOND HOUSE – BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS
STROM THURMOND, lying in bed, picks up the phone. (Three way INTERCUT)
STROM
Hello?
TRENT
Heh, heh, heh… I’m sorry. Heh, heh.
GEORGE
Heh, heh, heh.
STROM
Who is that?
TRENT
It’s the A.C.L.U. Ha, ha, ha
GEORGE
Ha, ha, ha,
STROM
What’s all that going on?
TRENT
It’s all right, Strom. It’s me Trent. I got W on the line.
GEORGE
Hey, buddy.
STROM
You punks don’t have the guts to say what you feel, like we did.
TRENT
What are you talking about? I did.
STROM
But you’re retracting like a sissy.
GEORGE
Hey, come on, Strom, lighten up. Just wanted to say hi.
STROM
This country doesn’t look like it used to.
GEORGE
Yes, sir. We were just talking about that.
STROM
I was right in 48. Now we got every Negro, Mexican, Chinaman, Jew and Homo trying to run our country…
TRENT
… Our borders are wide open. Mexicans coming in like they own the place.
GEORGE
… Even the American Indians want to take our country.
STROM
You got it, son.
GEORGE
We were here before all of them.
TRENT
(cuts in)
Hey, where’s John Wayne when we need him?
STROM
That’s right, boys. We fell asleep, then woke up, and now, before we can even say ‘Mo-ham-med’, we got every kind of Arab running around too.
TRENT
(chuckling)
Hey Strom, heh, heh. I’ll give you two Arabs for a Mexican.
STROM
(chuckles)
Throw in a couple of injuns and a negro?
GEORGE
(chuckles)
Sounds like a deal to me, Trent.
STROM
I have a bowel movement coming up. You boys get back to what you have to do. Keep it to the right.
GEORGE
You got it, Strom. Nice talking to you.
TRENT
Bye Strom.
Strom hangs up.
TRENT
He’s a good man.
GEORGE
A good American. But he’s going to start speaking. A little too loosely. That’s trouble for the party. For us.
TRENT
I thought he’d die before he starts up again.
GEORGE
He’ll never die.
TRENT
Right. We may have to hasten his departure.
GEORGE
Woah, I’ll have to check with Cheney on that. Anyway, dude. Sorry if I came down too hard. But I am going to have to “reprimand” you.
TRENT
No, no. I understand. We got to keep this country “Right”.
GEORGE
I love you man.
TRENT
I love you man.
Disclaimer: The above story and characterizations are not based on actual events or persons!!