Some Extra Years

Excerpted from a longer piece Nat Christian…

2/8/03  SOME EXTRA YEARS?© by  Nat Christian

Okay, you did good.  From absolutely nothing to… a big bang.  Hmm.

Of all of the trillions of stars and “stuff” that have been floating around for billions of years, there is only one planet, so far as we know, that contained the right elements, which, when mixed together over a long period of time, created the kind of living organisms which evolved into human beings, who then propagated for millions of years.

So I think… Of the almost 7 billion people on earth, two people, through a series of happenstances, happened to meet at a certain time and a certain place, and through circumstances, they happened to get together and happened to fornicate at a certain time, and during that time, of the billions of sperm and eggs bustling around, only one sperm and one egg got together.  Through all of those odds, I was made.

How lucky we are to be here.  Thank you.

But I just don’t quite get it.  If all goes well for us in eighty, ninety or a hundred years, then you take it away.  Now, you have infinity.  Couldn’t you have thrown in an extra 5000, 500 or 50 years?  What’s an 50 extra years from infinity?  Okay, maybe you gave the soul an eternal life span, so I guess at some point, it has to leave the physical body?   So couldn’t you have doled out just a little more time to the earthly body?  Automobiles last longer.   You have infinity.  That kind of borders on being chintzy.  You would not be a good date.  Well, I wouldn’t date you, because I’m assuming that you’re a male.  Maybe you’re not.  Whatever.  Look, I hate to burst your bubble, but people don’t want to leave here.  As rough as it gets here, they just don’t want to go to wherever, even if it’s all happy and sweet.  I don’t know anyone who’s ready.  Because it’s always too soon.  So, what are some extra years to you?

Look, you may not have put a lot of thought behind this now-you-see-me, -now-you-don’t routine that you’ve given us.  Maybe, because giving us the extra years may not be as high a priority on your list as say perhaps… tragedies to people, or groups of people?  You don’t have any favorite types, do you?  Just kidding.  Wait, when all fifty contestants in the Miss America Beauty Pageant, pray to you to win, and then the winner says that God helped her, could it be true?  What was it about her? You wouldn’t give a boxer a victory for jack-hammering another man’s head to smithereens, just because he asked you for it?  Okay, maybe they don’t know what they’re really saying.  The boxer is just happy that he’s not flat on his back looking up at the microphone, saying “He’s a great fighter.” – Anyone would look great from that vantage point, and the new Miss America is just overwhelmed with thoughts of her potential acting career.

Or maybe you don’t have an affect on what happens here or what we do to each other, and only set up the ground rules.  We get 85 plus some odd years, then we die.  So we prioritize.  12-18 years of school, some years for work, marriage, kids, have a patronizing retirement, then death.  If we knew we had 85 million years, well, maybe we wouldn’t go to school for a couple of million years

Are you open to suggestions?  I don’t hear a deep voice answering me.  I certainly wouldn’t believe that it was You answering if it were a high pitched voice, or a whining voice, or an angry voice.  I definitely don’t think You should be angry.  I mean I wouldn’t be angry if someone didn’t praise me 20 times a day.  If I loved that person, they wouldn’t have to praise me at all.  Although I should admit that flattery does have an affect on me.  But, You must be bigger than that.  You better be!  I could go for a motherly voice.  Yes, one that is nurturing, reassuring, sort of… seductive.  Oh, no!   I don’t even want to go there!  Me and You?  Cows are jumping over a fence.  Man on first, runs to second… Whew!

Okay here’s the suggestion:  Make everyone die at 65 years old.  Just hear me out.  I know that’s young, but, in exchange, You take away ALL pain, disease and suffering.  No pain.  No mounting hospital bills.  And, here’s the great part, since we would all know that we are all going at 65, there will be no surprise to us, to our family or friends.  No feeling that anything else could have been done, or that the person was… cheated… before their time, no matter how much they cherished life.  You see, it’s all relative, anyway.  Why 65?  It’s a good number.  We pick up a few for those that die younger and you get back a few years for those that grow older.  And then we wouldn’t need social security.  Good for the economy.  Why would you care anyway?  You have infinity.  That’s if you believe in God.  Ha, ha, my little stab at humor.  Of course, you’d have to address the suicide issue, maybe make it impossible or something.  Hmm, that would probably piss off those who think they are going to meet 60 virgins if they do themselves in.  Why on earth would anyone want 60 virgins?  Now 60 hookers…. THAT might be worth it.  I might go for that.  You don’t think that’s a funny line.  Okay.

I’ll tell you what I think did not have many funny lines.  The bible was one long, long book.  How did you choose your writer or writers?  Did you dictate?  How did they write from your dictation?  I’m sure they got some things wrong.  Did you proof it?”   I think you spent too much time, on “begating.”  So and so begat him and so and so begat her and “he lived to be 800 years.”  Hey, You were doling out more years in those days!!  Hmm.  You know, there was potential for some humor.  Did you ever watch that old Moses movie, the Ten Commandments?  Moses comes to town and turns a stick into a snake, and someone says “Oh, it’s just a trick.”  Later, he turns a huge fountain of water into blood (or was it wine?), and someone says “Oh, it’s just a trick.”  Some trick, but fine.  But then later, he PARTS the Red Sea.  Then an actor, I think it was Edward G. Robinson, says “Don’t follow him, it’s just a trick.”  What trick?  He just parted the whole fucking sea!  At this point, I’d be kissing Moses’ feet, I’d be converted!

You just needed to lighten it up a bit.  You gave us a sense of humor, the gift of laughter.  We’re easy.  We want to laugh.  What other species would laugh at why a chicken wants to get to the other side?  Never mind.

So you’ve served us the dish of life. Whatcha’ got for dessert?  Wait a minute, I’d like some more of my main dish.  You’ve run out?  I’m not ready for dessert.  What do you mean I have to leave?

Why does the soul, so vital and alive, need a damn body in the first place?  We’re at the end of the food chain, we don’t have to kill weaker animals to survive, because no creature is going to eat us.  Why a body?  Because the human body is the instrument for the soul to communicate at the highest level?  Oh, so, we get our 85 or so years only to develop our communication skills?  Sharing?  That’s our evolution?  Maybe that’s what we take with us.  Maybe it’s the many different lives that a person affects that collectively makes up that person’s whole life, which is much fuller than a single life on its own.  We can’t take what we accomplish with us, but we can take the sharing.